While Mindwafers can be enjoyed by all, we created this site for all of you out there in cubicle land who need people like us to keep you distracted from the fact that you sold your soul to the devil for $40,000/year (plus benefits!) So we here at Mindwafers decided to put together the first useful set of corporate procedures ever put into place, How to Deal with the Assholes You Work With. We've got a lot of work ahead of us, but will continue to bring you this guide one page at a time in an effort to help you keep that paycheck coming in and hopefully prevent an incident involving you, a trench-coat, an several semi-automatic weapons.
TYPE OF INDIVIDUAL: Overactive Cliché User who drops needless word play, similes, metaphors and other truisms into daily conversation and business calls with clients or co-workers.
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: On the phone or the break room spouting off nonsensical phrases and recycled doldrums of the day at any passer-by, punctuating every overused cliché with a big fake laugh and a quick “Take care [so and so]” whilst douche chills facilitate around the room like the spirits of the dead.
SUMMARY: The Overactive Cliché User can be easy to spot for his ability to stand out in the conversation by never referring to work issues and more importantly, work problems as their actual terms. Rather, terms like “ball dropping”, “dropping the ball” or they “dropped the ball” will be used constantly, so much so that other office works may think that their company actually produces children’s play balls. The Overactive Cliché User will never accept responsibility for his actions, but rather overwork his thesaurus and library of catch phrases and simpleton language to substitute work jargon for terms like “ducks in a row”, or “crossing T’s and dotting I’s” when in fact, no one would ever do any of these phrases, ever, not just in an office setting but any human setting whatsoever. Settings for business are referred to as “ballparks”, customers will be promised that their services “do the trick” and “all that jazz”, and customers themselves may be referred to as different “breeds” or “animals” themselves. Example: The agents in our Florida markets are just a different breed, sir. We try our best with them but the market there is just a different animal…” The Overactive Cliché User has the ability to become severely annoying in the workplace. The higher in frequency he uses exaggerated clichés and goofy ways of describing work, the more ridicule and parody he can bring upon an office. While some Overactive Cliché Users have spawned high morale in the office setting as workers come together to make fun of the individual behind his back, mostly workers just want him to shut the fuck up and speak normally for once.
HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE INDIVIDUALS: The best way to block out the Overactive Cliché User to try and distance yourself from his phone calls and work discussion as much as possible. If this is too difficult to do, we suggest a running game in the office where, amongst a group of peers, you wager how many clichés that the Overactive Cliché User will use in a phone call to clients. When the call begins, everyone in on the game will be on an initial email chain and as soon as the first cliché is dropped, the race is on. Log as many cliché you hear and hit Reply All to everyone participating. When the Overactive Cliché User finishes, tally the clichés used and declare the winner (using Price Is Right over-under rules as always). Winner gets free coffee on Friday, or something similar. The Overactive Cliché User can make your annoyance and anger towards your workplace, and job itself fester, but if you turn his terrible style of work and ridiculous language follies into good, clean fun, then you may just make it through the day without putting your fist through your monitor.
We would love to hear your own personal stories about dealing with these people and also any types of people you would like to see added to the procedures, so leave those in the Comments.
TYPE OF INDIVIDUAL: Overactive Cliché User who drops needless word play, similes, metaphors and other truisms into daily conversation and business calls with clients or co-workers.
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: On the phone or the break room spouting off nonsensical phrases and recycled doldrums of the day at any passer-by, punctuating every overused cliché with a big fake laugh and a quick “Take care [so and so]” whilst douche chills facilitate around the room like the spirits of the dead.
SUMMARY: The Overactive Cliché User can be easy to spot for his ability to stand out in the conversation by never referring to work issues and more importantly, work problems as their actual terms. Rather, terms like “ball dropping”, “dropping the ball” or they “dropped the ball” will be used constantly, so much so that other office works may think that their company actually produces children’s play balls. The Overactive Cliché User will never accept responsibility for his actions, but rather overwork his thesaurus and library of catch phrases and simpleton language to substitute work jargon for terms like “ducks in a row”, or “crossing T’s and dotting I’s” when in fact, no one would ever do any of these phrases, ever, not just in an office setting but any human setting whatsoever. Settings for business are referred to as “ballparks”, customers will be promised that their services “do the trick” and “all that jazz”, and customers themselves may be referred to as different “breeds” or “animals” themselves. Example: The agents in our Florida markets are just a different breed, sir. We try our best with them but the market there is just a different animal…” The Overactive Cliché User has the ability to become severely annoying in the workplace. The higher in frequency he uses exaggerated clichés and goofy ways of describing work, the more ridicule and parody he can bring upon an office. While some Overactive Cliché Users have spawned high morale in the office setting as workers come together to make fun of the individual behind his back, mostly workers just want him to shut the fuck up and speak normally for once.
HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE INDIVIDUALS: The best way to block out the Overactive Cliché User to try and distance yourself from his phone calls and work discussion as much as possible. If this is too difficult to do, we suggest a running game in the office where, amongst a group of peers, you wager how many clichés that the Overactive Cliché User will use in a phone call to clients. When the call begins, everyone in on the game will be on an initial email chain and as soon as the first cliché is dropped, the race is on. Log as many cliché you hear and hit Reply All to everyone participating. When the Overactive Cliché User finishes, tally the clichés used and declare the winner (using Price Is Right over-under rules as always). Winner gets free coffee on Friday, or something similar. The Overactive Cliché User can make your annoyance and anger towards your workplace, and job itself fester, but if you turn his terrible style of work and ridiculous language follies into good, clean fun, then you may just make it through the day without putting your fist through your monitor.
We would love to hear your own personal stories about dealing with these people and also any types of people you would like to see added to the procedures, so leave those in the Comments.
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